Help Someone You Know

If you are aware of an emergency situation where someone is being hurt or threatened with violence, call the Police immediately on 111. If it’s not safe to speak, push 55 to be put through to the police. (If you stay silent the operator will tell you this option.)

You might save someone from being injured or killed. In an emergency, you do not need permission from the person being hurt to ring Police.

If there’s any chance that the person you’re talking to is in danger at that moment or in the very near future, ask questions to check on their safety. 

“Where is your partner right now?”

“Are you safe right now? Are you okay to go home after this?”

“Where are the children”

If anyone is in immediate danger, call the Police on 111.

If it is NOT an emergency situation, start by showing compassion and avoiding judgement. 

People experiencing family violence who seek help often feel they are not believed, or feel judged or blamed for their experiences. (Family violence and domestic violence have the same meaning, as defined in the Family Violence Act). It’s really important to let them know you believe them and you understand and share their feelings.

“It sounds like what you’ve been going through has been really tough. I’m really glad you shared that with me.”

They know their situation better than anyone else, and will be trying things to keep themselves – and their children – safe. Think about how you can support what they want to do, and how you can give them more options.

Sometimes it can be hard to understand the decisions that people make who are experiencing family violence. You are unlikely to know the full picture of their situation and all the factors that they have to weigh up when making decisions. If you don’t understand something they do or say, assume that’s because you don’t have enough information.

It’s up to them how much they want to tell you and what they want to you to do with what they tell you.

“You can tell me as much as you want and as much as you think would be useful so that I can be of help to you.”

If they don’t want to answer your questions or tell you what’s going on, that’s okay, it’s their choice.  You don’t want them to feel like they’re being interrogated. Let them know you’re there for them if and when they want to talk to you about what’s happening to them, and continue to build trust.

If it’s not clear to you how you can help, just ask.

“What can I do to support you? What do you need? How can I help?”

You cannot solve the problem for them, but you can offer emotional and practical support.

Remember, separating from an abusive partner is the most dangerous time and it may not make someone safer or better off.

A person experiencing abuse is most likely to be seriously injured or killed just before, during, or after leaving a violent partner. It can be very dangerous for someone experiencing domestic violence to tell anyone about their situation, especially if their partner finds out or even suspects their disclosure.

There’s a lot to weigh up in deciding whether to separate from an abusive partner. Staying may be the best option for many reasons, including safety. If they do want to separate, they are likely to need a lot of support with planning and practical help to be able to leave safely, especially if they are pregnant or have young children.

Having children with an abusive partner means that there will always be a connection, and the abuse is likely to continue through the children and contact relating to the children. The safe parent may not want to risk losing custody and having their children in the care of the abusive parent when they can’t be around to protect them.

Someone experiencing family violence will have their freedom and choices limited by the person using abusive behaviour. Their options for safety will be even more limited if they are disabled, Māori, Pasifika, an ethnic minority – especially if they’re dependent on their partner for their visa status, from a Rainbow community (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, takatāpui, intersex, queer, etc), or experience some other form of discrimination.

Make sure they know that you won’t share anything they tell you about their situation unless they want you to, or unless it is an emergency situation.

If you talk to someone who might be experiencing family violence, talk to them in a private setting, when there are no other family members around, and no verbal children who might repeat what they hear to the person using violence.

If you’re contacting the person by phone, text or social media private messaging, assume the person using violence may be able to see or hear what you are saying or writing. Be careful not to say or write anything that will raise their suspicions or put the person you’re talking to in greater danger.

If you send a written message, use general questions about their wellbeing, not specific questions about the abuse unless you know it’s safe.

“How are you doing? Can we make a time to catch up on the phone?”

If you’re talking on the phone, you might want to suggest that if it’s not a good time for them to talk, they can say ‘I think you have the wrong number’ and hang up and you will call them again another time. If it is safe for them to talk, you can suggest a code word or phrase they can use if it becomes unsafe for them during that call or in the future.

It’s a good idea to mirror their language as much as possible, so if they talk about being a victim, then it’s good for you to use that word too. But remember that words like ‘victim’ or ‘abuse’ may not describe how they see their situation, so in general, it’s good to be specific by instead asking about them whether someone hurt or hit them, or they are afraid or being controlled.

As a support person, everything you do or say to the person who has experienced violence must uphold their dignity and enhance their mana.

No one wants to be abused, no one chooses to be abused. All people resist violence, resistance is normal and natural; violence is not.

People resist violence in a range of ways to protect themselves and to preserve their dignity and sense of control over their own life. Dignity is a key driver for human beings. People often respond to violence in ways that prioritise dignity over safety.

Resistance can be visible, like fighting back, asking for help, or running away. Or it can be invisible, especially when that is the only safe option, like thinking thoughts of resistance, or going to another place altogether in your head.

If you want to understand what they’ve been going through, it’s better to ask about how they responded to an episode of abuse or violence than to ask for detail about the violence perpetrated towards them or about how they felt. If they want to talk about the violence or their feelings, then that’s OK.

“What did you do after he did that to you? How did you respond to that?”

Understanding and acknowledging responses as resistance honours the person’s strength, courage and dignity. Recognise their response – in whatever form it took – is a normal way to respond to unacceptable behaviour that shows they did not accept it and they are not responsible for the violence.

“Not making eye contact and trying to think about something else while he was holding you down sounds to me like you were resisting what was happening to you.” 

You may not always understand or agree with the way they resist the abuse, but it is important to see it as a response, rather than viewing the behaviour as contributing to the abuse, or bringing the abuse on themselves.

The only person responsible for abusive behaviour is the person using abusive behaviour.

People sometimes blame themselves and feel they’ve done something to deserve being abused. If they do, it’s important to tell them things like this:

“It’s not your fault. There’s no excuse for that sort of behaviour. You deserve to be safe.”

People experiencing abuse who have care of children often prioritise their children’s wellbeing over their own and will have much more to weigh up in making the decision whether to stay or leave the relationship, including how likely it is that their partner will have some on-going custody. They may worry that if this happens, they won’t be able to protect their children when they’re in the care of the partner.

If they are considering separating from their partner, they are likely to need support to meet the needs of their children during and after leaving, so offer what you can. If they decide to stay because they think that’s what best for their children, honour that decision and respect that they know their own situation better than anyone else.

There’s more guidance below if you have concerns about the safety of a child.

NZ research shows that people experiencing family violence feel best served and supported by specialist organisations like Shine, so it may help to offer Shine’s Helpline number or information about other domestic violence services.

“I’m concerned about you/your safety. There are some really excellent services that can help in these sorts of situation – do you want the number of Shine’s confidential Helpline? It’s free to call and answered 24/7.”

“Do you know about Women’s Refuge Shielded Site? You can chat with them online and it won’t show in your browser history. Look for the circle icon - it’s half black and half white picturing a computer screen - in the footer of websites like major banks, The Warehouse, Countdown, Stuff, etc.”

You can download for free or order printed copies of this booklet here. It has lots of helpful and practical information for people experiencing family violence.

There may be many reasons why someone does not want to, or is not ready to, share their experience of domestic violence with you, which you need to respect. But it may be helpful for them to hear something like this:

“My door is always open. Feel free to talk to me about it another time if you want to.”

If you think someone might be experiencing family violence, you can ask questions sensitively to let them know why you’re concerned and that you care and want to help. If they don’t want to open up to you, that is okay. They may not feel safe or ready.

It can help to start with general questions:

“How are things at home? How’s it going with your partner?”

If you have concerns because of things that you’ve noticed, let them know what you’ve noticed, and that you’re following up on what you noticed because you care or you are worried about them. For example:

“You haven’t been to tennis for a few weeks now because of commitments with your partner, but I know how much you love tennis, so I just wanted to check and see if everything is OK?”

If their answers are vague, then ask questions to find out what they mean, and make your questions more specific:

“It sounds like he is making plans for both of you, and you don’t get a lot of say in what you do together or when you do things together. Are you okay with that?”

If you’re still not sure about what is happening, ask direct questions about whether they are afraid or being controlled, hurt or hit:

“Do you feel like you have to give up things that are important to you to keep the peace or make your partner happy? Does it seem like it’s not okay to just be yourself?”

“When he yells at you, does it make you feel afraid? Has he ever hit you or hurt you?”  

“That’s a nasty bruise. Did your partner do that?”

Many people will not offer this information unless you ask directly; they may think you don’t want to know or be afraid you will not believe them or will judge them, based on what they have seen or experienced before.

Asking direct questions may help them to feel like they can tell you what’s really going on, because you are showing that you are prepared to hear it, take it seriously, and not blame them for it.

If you know or suspect that a child is being physically or sexually abused, ring Oranga Tamariki (Ministry for Children) on 0508-326-459. This line is answered 24/7. You can ring anonymously to talk through a situation before deciding whether to make a formal report.

As long as you are making a report in ‘good faith’, you will not get in trouble if you end up being mistaken. Many people think “what if I’m wrong?” and avoid calling if they aren’t sure. But the other question to ask yourself is “what if I’m right?”

However, even this can be scary for some people, so another place to start is to ring Shine’s Helpline for advice.

Children are always impacted when they experience family violence, whether or not the violence directly targets them. The long-term impacts on health and wellbeing for children whose protective caregiver is targeted with violence are similar to the impacts for children who are physically abused.

Often these situations involve the children’s mother being abused by their father, step-father or mother’s boyfriend. If the mother is a safe and protective caregiver, the best way to help the children is usually to support their mum to be safe.

It may a good idea to get some specialist family violence advice before reporting to Oranga Tamariki. If you are concerned about a child in this situation, ring Shine’s Helpline to talk through the situation and get advice on what action to take.

If the person experiencing family violence shares something with you about what they’re experiencing, never share what they’ve told you with the person abusing them as it is likely to increase their risk of further harm. An exception to this may be if the person experiencing violence wants you to share something, but you should consider carefully whether it’s safe to do this regardless.

It’s likely to be safer to say that your concern about their behaviour is based on what you’ve seen or heard, or is based on information from someone who will not be at greater risk if you share what they’ve said.  

If you have a relationship with the person using violence and the person experiencing violence, it could be helpful to talk to the person experiencing violence first, to explore any concerns they have about you intervening and to find out if there’s anything they’d like you to say or not say.

Other men are likely to have the most influence on a man using violence against his female partner, as men’s violence against women is often underpinned by unhealth beliefs about gender roles. A useful message is that abuse and violence is unacceptable, but it is OK to ask for help.

It is also important to calmly and respectfully challenge excuses for abusive behaviour or attempts to minimise the behaviour or blame it on the person being targeted. It’s normal to get angry or have disagreements or arguments with a partner. It’s not normal and not OK to use that as a justification for violence, and it’s not OK to control someone to get your way in a relationship.

Most counsellors do not have the specialist skills to work with people using violence safely and effectively. If you are encouraging someone to get help, suggest a specialist non-violence programme like Shine’s No Excuses programme. There are non-violence programmes all over New Zealand run by a number of different family violence organisations. These may be group or individual programmes, and there are some Kaupapa Māori programmes. 

You can ring Shine’s Helpline for a referral to your local non-violence programme or look here.

Suggesting an alcohol and drug programme may be helpful if the person also has an alcohol and/or drug problem, but changing their drinking/using behaviour is unlikely to stop their controlling behaviours even if it stops the worst of their violence, so it’s important to also suggest a non-violence programme.