Express love and respect this Valentine’s Day

This Valentine’s Day Shine family violence response service is calling for people to help give choice back to those it’s been taken from.

“Loving someone is about respecting their choices, not taking away choices from them. One of the most common forms of family violence we see at Shine is when a woman’s choices are deliberately taken away by their partner,” says Shine spokesperson Rachel Kain.

“It’s my choice if and when I call you back…. if I want to go out with you… what I wear to dinner… to disagree… if I go on another date with you… how much I let you into my life… how I spend my money… if I invite you to meet my friends… how often I see my family… if I let you meet my kids…if I want you to come with me when I go somewhere… if I want to kiss you or get physically intimate… if I want to break up.”

Each person in a relationship has the right to continue to make their own decisions. Being in a relationship shouldn’t mean your choices are taken away from you by your partner. If they limit your choices and make you afraid and intimidated this is called coercive control.

“Coercive control is very dangerous and is a red flag for homicide. Coercive control often starts in subtle ways, but creeps into every aspect of your life so that your partner controls and monitors what you say and do, how you dress, who you see, and where you go.

“Controlling behaviours are used to isolate a person and make or keep them dependent on the abusive partner. Control and manipulation are a major part of family violence,” says Rachel Kain.

When Nola* met Jake*, he was charismatic, attentive, and before long, he told her he was deeply in love with her. He swept her off her feet with romantic messages at all hours, endless compliments, surprise gifts, and constant attention, saying 'I've never felt this way before, you're my soulmate”. Jake wanted to be with her all the time, and disliked her going out with friends. He said it was only because he missed her. If Nola didn’t answer her phone right away, he would send her messages every five minutes until she replied.

Before long, Jake started questioning what Nola wore, who she spoke to, and what time she got home. He also monitored what Nola ate, belittling her if she put on a little weight, and telling her it was because he wanted her to be healthy.

One night, after a disagreement about Nola getting home later than expected, Jake grabbed her wrist - just for a second, but hard enough to leave a red mark. Apologising immediately, he promised it would never happen again. Although she believed him at the time, she realised she was growing afraid of disagreeing with him.

He became more manipulative and controlling. Nola started throwing away receipts after buying things and not telling him about seeing her friends.

“He’d say, ‘If you really loved me, you’d do this for me,’ or ‘After everything I do for you, this is how you treat me?’”, says Nola.

Nola was reluctant to talk to friends and family about it because she was afraid they would judge her. Jake told her it was all her fault. When she finally did, she was sorry she had, her best mate said Jake was a good guy and Nola just needed to put in a bit more effort. Feeling increasingly trapped, she tried to break up, but he threatened to upload nude photos he had of her. Nola felt like she had run out of options and called the Shine helpline for help.

“It can be hard to know what to say to someone who is being controlled by their partner, but it’s important to check in with them when their partner isn’t there. Ask them what they need and offer support without judgement” says Rachel Kain.

Shine welcomes calls from anyone who is worried about their own situation or who is concerned about a friend, family member, child or anyone they know who might be experiencing family violence.

The Shine helpline receives thousands of calls every year from people needing support, information, advice, and referrals to local services, and from people wanting advice about how to help someone they know who is experiencing family violence.

If you or someone you know needs help, the Shine Helpline on 0508 744 633 and webchat service are available 24/7 for people experiencing violence and their supporters.

When using the Shine website, you can click ‘Make a quick exit’ if needed.

To support Shine in doing this work visit: www.2shine.org.nz/get-involved/donate

* names changed to protect privacy.