Examples of abusive and coercive controlling behaviours

The examples below may help if you are trying to understand what intimate partner violence and coercive control look like. But these are only some examples, and there are many more not listed.

Abuse is personalised to most effectively target the things or people a particular person values the most. Something that is abuse to one person might not be to another. This is one reason why abuse is often so hard to see and understand.

Usually, Abuse/Coercive Control...

• Targets the things or people a particular person values the most, using deliberate and specific behaviours that work best to control that person.
• Makes the person being targeted feel confused, embarrassed, out of control, trapped and like there is no way to respond without being hurt or harmed.
• Changes or varies, depending on what the abusive person wants. They will, for example, change their behaviour to stop the person they’re controlling from leaving or telling others. This is why abuse/coercive control is often hard to see from outside of the relationship.

The examples listed below are only some of many forms of abusive behaviours. Many more are not listed. These examples below may help you to understand what coercive controlling family violence looks like, but if what you’re experiencing is not in the list, it doesn’t mean it is not abuse. If you are afraid, feeling controlled, and feel like your dignity is being attacked because of your partner’s behaviour towards you (or behaviour of a family member, flatmate or someone close to you), then you are probably experiencing family violence.

Coercive behaviours

Has someone been violent to you?

Hit, kicked, used weapons, pulled your hair, strangled you or stopped you breathing somehow, pushed you or held you down forcefully, threw things at you, held you hostage, raped you, forced you to engage in sexual acts you didn’t want to do, physically harmed you or  your children, threatened to kill you and your children, forced you to undergo circumcision (genital mutilation)?

Intimidated you and made you frightened?

Threatened to hurt you or the children or other family and whānau members or loved ones, used a weapon against you, smashed things, hurt or killed a pet, drove dangerously with you in the car, kept one child when you left home to make you return, showed extreme jealousy every time you went out or spoke to someone else, threatened to leave you with nothing if you left them, threatened to out your Rainbow identity to others, threatened to take the children or commit suicide or withdraw support for your NZ visa if you try to leave, threatened to hurt or kill you if you bring shame to your family or community, forced you to marry someone?

Controlling behaviours

Isolated you?

Withheld money or something you needed, criticised your family/whānau or friends and  tried to stop you from seeing them, turned your children or family/whānau or others close to you against you with lies or by sending emails or messages that look like they’re from you (hacking your online accounts), behaved rudely to or threatened  your friends or family/whānau or work colleagues, otherwise destroyed  your relationships with people close to you, took  away or hid the car keys or your cell phone or your laptop, got jealous when you talked to other people, made you miss work or be late to work or otherwise sabotaged your employment, stopped you doing things that are important to you or that you enjoy, locked you in a room?

Controlled your everyday life, took away your ability to be independent?

Came with you wherever you went so you were never alone with anyone else, made  contact with you repeatedly throughout the day and night to see what you’re doing and who you’re with, monitored your emails or social media or web browsing history, followed or stalked you or had other family/whānau members do this for them, asked the children what you’ve been doing, told you what to wear/not wear,  how to behave/not behave, told you what and how to  do everyday tasks, wouldn’t give you access to bank accounts or ownership/shared ownership of any assets, wouldn’t let you get an education or a job, wouldn’t let you drive or learn how to drive, wouldn’t  allow you to have any information about household finances or be part of any financial decision making?

Took advantage of you or used you for selfish reasons?

Treated you like a slave, (your male partner) refused to do housework or cook or care for children because ‘it is women’s work’ or beneath him, made you work or sexually exploited you or made you commit crimes and took the money/profit, moved into your house, took over your belongings?

Took away or limited your access to basic needs, humiliated or embarrassed or gaslighted you (played mind games, made you think you’re going crazy)?

Made you ask permission to access basic needs like going to the toilet or buying sanitary products, put you on an allowance that was only or not enough for food for you and children to survive, called you names, swore at you, criticised or made you feel bad about how you look or what you wear, criticised how you parent your children, was rude or mean to your friends or family/whānau or to you in front  of your children or others, uploaded nude or intimate photos or videos of you online without your consent, criticised your family/whānau or friends or culture or religion or religious beliefs or sexuality or  gender identity or disability, shared or threatened to share things from your past with others to embarrass you, used guilt or forced you to do something you find shameful – like take drugs or commit crimes or get an abortion or perform sexual acts etc – then threatened to tell others, denied things happened that you remember or said things happened you don’t remember, secretly drugged you, broke into your house after you separated and took things or moved things around or vandalised your house?